The Story of My Life
I will assume, until I get proof that I am wrong, that most my mental illness' are a result of things that happened before I was born. Thus begins my journey.....
My dad shot and killed himself 5 months and 3 days before I was born. This would be post traumatic stress for my mother, but what is the diagnosis for an unborn child? Doesn't the child feel what the mother does? Doesn't the child know that something is wrong? Could I have known or felt all the emotions that she did? Did I carry it with me all this time?
It feels like I have.
I, to this day, mourn the loss of a man that I never knew. I love him beyond belief, but I'm also angry that he decided to kill himself before I ever got to meet or know him. That is a conflict that I have shared with only one other person in my life (he too is now dead). Now I share it with everyone. I don't know what gave me the strength to admit it, but I know that it is torture for those of us who carry the burden and never admit it. It feels terrible to be mad at a dead person, especially one you are supposed to love.
I visit his grave and cry, but I don't know what to say. I'm not sure what I want to say to him.
I grew up in a typically normal home. I had a mother, step-father and two half-brothers. I called my step-father dad. I didn't know, for a long time, that he wasn't my "real" dad.
I can remember things as early as four years old. Mom was a stay-at-home mom, while my step-dad worked. They were good parents. I think I will say great parents. I really think they were great parents.
We were treated well growing up. We did lots of things together as a family. We went lots of places. We had a good childhood, at home.
I loved going to my mamaw's house for visits. At that time, my abuser didn't live at mamaw's house, but he would visit while I was there.
My dad shot and killed himself 5 months and 3 days before I was born. This would be post traumatic stress for my mother, but what is the diagnosis for an unborn child? Doesn't the child feel what the mother does? Doesn't the child know that something is wrong? Could I have known or felt all the emotions that she did? Did I carry it with me all this time?
It feels like I have.
I, to this day, mourn the loss of a man that I never knew. I love him beyond belief, but I'm also angry that he decided to kill himself before I ever got to meet or know him. That is a conflict that I have shared with only one other person in my life (he too is now dead). Now I share it with everyone. I don't know what gave me the strength to admit it, but I know that it is torture for those of us who carry the burden and never admit it. It feels terrible to be mad at a dead person, especially one you are supposed to love.
I visit his grave and cry, but I don't know what to say. I'm not sure what I want to say to him.
I grew up in a typically normal home. I had a mother, step-father and two half-brothers. I called my step-father dad. I didn't know, for a long time, that he wasn't my "real" dad.
I can remember things as early as four years old. Mom was a stay-at-home mom, while my step-dad worked. They were good parents. I think I will say great parents. I really think they were great parents.
We were treated well growing up. We did lots of things together as a family. We went lots of places. We had a good childhood, at home.
I loved going to my mamaw's house for visits. At that time, my abuser didn't live at mamaw's house, but he would visit while I was there.
